Competitive Eating: Entertainment or Vulgarity?

Ahhh the Fourth of July.

It comes but once a year.

Our forefathers had the right idea of freeing us from the tyrannical grip of their homeland regime. They all met up and took turns signing an oversized piece of parchment declaring that the collective 13 colonies originally included were forming a united front. That's what our history books tell us.

However, if you read the text very closely, you'll see that the declaration is basically a bitch-fest, pointing out all the "abuses and usurpations" that the despotic king of Britain inflicted upon said forefathers. These guys were pissed and they weren't taking anyone's shit any longer! They declared a separation from Britain and started their own united "States of America," as they called it. You know the rest.

Or do you?

You see, we as present day Americans take what we want from the declaration. We remember the following line:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Sure, these brave patriots started a revolution and opened the doors of possibility. I benefit from their bravery every day as a purveyor of novelty bottle openers. So, like Lenny Kravitz, what I really want to know is: Did these 56 men have any idea that "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" would eventually pave the way for Joey Chestnut (left), and Takeru Kobayashi to shove a combined 132 hot dogs and buns into their faces 233 years later?

Fourth of July shouldn't be considered a novelty or be taken lightly by any means. Sure, my Scottish friend Billy rants about how it's "just another day" to him, but let me get on the phone to the I.N.S. and see how quickly he changes his tune. My point is that it's a fabulous time for us all to be proud of being Americans. Yes, we should celebrate and BBQ with the family, even though some of them may get on our nerves (that's why we drink alcohol, right?). Yes, we should definitely check out an extravagant fireworks show, or better yet, cross state lines or visit the nearest Indian reservation to obtain our own. After all, emergency room doctors need action too.

But what of the unconventional or unorthodox traditions? What of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest that they hold every year at Coney Island? Tradition...or just flat out gluttony? We all have opinions and to quote Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, I say Tradition! In my book, The MLE (Major League Eating) takes precedence over MLB, NFL, PGA, Wimbledon, and whatever else is on the tube on my country's birthday.

I figured out long time ago, that to find the proper answers, you sometimes have to figure them out on your own using common sense. Why does one of my all-time heroes, Tom Brady, have three Super Bowl rings, a league MVP, and countless other records, yet Joey Harrington, an equally successful college quarterback, never could catch on at the NFL level? It's called skill. Brady has tools that Harrington doesn't. Maybe it boils down to a hunger for winning that the former possesses and the latter doesn't? I doubt it. I think they are both physically different people. But hey, speaking of hunger...

The NFL has been around a long time, but has only held 43 Super Bowls. The Nathan's Famous International Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Championship has been held each year on July 4 since 1916, according to archives. You tell me what sounds more American! Besides, isn't the Super Bowl just an excuse for us all to join a more "domestic" faction of the MLE? Super Bowl Sunday is kind of like a "mini July 4th" except it takes place five months earlier. We stuff our faces with chips & dip, wings, burgers, brownies, etc. Some of us even try to emulate the MLE champions of the world, only to find that we are just as unfit to participate in professional eating as we are professional football. Sad, but true.

That is why I love this particular eating contest. Here are some facts:

• Kobayashi won six straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contests from 2001-2006. I'm sorry, I'm not doing him justice by saying that he won: he demolished the competition and shattered world records. There...that's better.
  
• The previous high mark before Kobayashi won his first "Mustard Yellow Belt" was 25 1/8. Kobayashi ate 50!
• Joey Chestnut came onto the competitive eating scene in 2005 and has won the last three Nathan's contests.
  
• Last year, it was close...he beat Kobayashi in a "dog-off," after both had consumed 59 dogs at the end of regulation. Not too shabby!
• This year, he beat him by four dogs. Most of us can't even eat four dogs in one sitting!
  

As you can see, these two, ahem, gents have taken competitive eating to a whole new level. Their rivalry is one for the books. Like Federer/Nadal, Capulet/Montague, or Tom/Jerry. These guys are freaks of nature, but also train their bodies just like athletes do before big games or meets. It is a fascinating spectacle and one that I argue to be part side show, part adrenaline, and a whole lot of desire. After all, it takes "guts" to do what these guys do!

So when I see a melange of people from all over the world congregate at Coney Island to shove frankfurters down their throats on a day in which I raise not only a flag, but a beer as well, I have to reserve part of my day in their honor. After all, had John Hancock and the boys remained complacent about getting pushed around by some London Sillynanny, odds are we might never have gained the privilege of seeing such an awesome 10 minutes of television.

I'll leave you with the last 3:30...If you can "stomach" it!